Snowed In
by New Berlin
Summary: A vicious snow storm leaves Eastern HQ cold and powerless, and it's not easy for everyone to hold it together. Royai, Parental!RoyEdAl but nothing else... Written by myself and MissFeminist. WARNING: A closet, twister, crazy Havoc and a sheltered Al.
1. Chapter 1

A/N

**Kristen's Author's Note**

Wow. I now know why this is called a crack fic. That's all. Don't judge me. xD and enjoy.

**Elsi's Author's Note**

Lol, this was fun to write and considering how it started its pretty good... enjoy x3

**Please REVIEW! :D**

**88888**

Snowed in with a 12 year old brat and a room full of subordinates, Roy mustang wasn't happy in the least.

"Muuussstttaaannnaaaagggg! Oh sorry, I mean Must_nag_! You bastard, are you even _listening_ to me?"

"Brother! Calm down!" Yelled a suit of armor as he attempted to hold back an angry Edward Elric.

"Bastard! Al and I have a train to catch!" Roy yawned. "To hell with that. If you can get your way through the snow, get the Hell out." For an office of subordinates, the verbal abuse between the Colonel and Fullmetal was nothing too out of the ordinary for them.

"This isn't fair you know; we can't even open the _fucking _door, you bastard! Besides, the snow could damage the blood seal. Idiot!" yelled the agitated alchemist with some very... imaginative hand gestures. "Edward," Riza said quietly. "Perhaps you should lower your voice. Yelling about it isn't going to help." Roy grinned. "Agreed. We should listen to dear Hawkeye."

"Bow-chick-a-wow-wow," whispered Havoc to Breda, who snickered. "What does that mean?" asked the very sheltered Alphonse. Havoc cleared his throat "Al. When a mommy and a daddy love each other _very _much, they-" "Hey! what the fuck are you teaching my brother you dumbshit?" yelled Ed to the now terrified Alphonse. "Alphonse... they lied!" "Brother? But you said that-" Ed shook his head furiously. "End of topic."

Even Roy and the solemn Riza were hiding smiles at the end of _that_ conversation between the two brothers. "Hey! Shut up Mustnag," Ed growled. "Brother!"

_Click._ "Oh. My. God. There is no way in Xing I am staying in a _power outage_ with a pervert like you, Havoc! Al... go stand on the other side of the room!" Ed yelled. And the verbal wars began again. Back and forth, curses and insults shot across the room like bullets. Hawkeye, overwhelmed by the sudden urge to shoot the next one to say something, let out a sigh.

"Lieutenant?" Roy asked. "Are you sure we are the only ones left in the building?"

"Yes, everyone else was able to finish their paper work hours ago... So I'll go find some candles." "I'll come!" exclaimed Mustang and hurried out behind Riza. "Wait... What! you're just going to leave us with... with HAVOC?" said Ed and Al. "What's wrong with Havoc?" yelled Havoc. "Ed, I'm scared... I don't wanna learn things!"

Riza felt a tiny guilty for leaving, but she had to get away from that. "Lieeuuutennant!" Called a childish Mustang. "Sir? I think I am capable of getting these candles myself." Roy smiled as he followed behind Hawkeye. "I know."

The two approached the supplies closet, and as Riza opened it - was surprised to see just how much unorganized crap Eastern had. She sighed as Roy and her stepped inside. She looked back at her commanding officer who suddenly made himself very busy with looking through a pile of discarded paperwork.

"Sir?"

"Uhmm, yes?"

"Try over there," Riza pointed. Mustang, who was very glad not to be called out on staring once again at Riza, quickly over to the mentioned piles. "Do you think Ed and Al are going to be OK with Havoc? He seemed to be in the... educating mood..." Riza asked.. "Hmm? Oh they'll be fine... So, did you have any plans for tonight?" "No, nothing extraordinary, sir. And seeing as which we are stuck in this godforsaken building, if I did, I couldn't act on them."

"Too bad," Roy mumbled. Riza nodded. "Candles, sir." She reminded him as he started to zone out. "Uh, yeah. Sorry." They searched through the crap, before Roy found them. "Aha. Bastards are right here," He muttered, pulling out a box of candles. "Great. Let's go." Riza strode over to the door, and tried to open it. Locked. "Are you _kidding_ me?" "what? The door locked? Wow, haven't been locked in a closet in a while, eh Lieutenant?" Roy said, as a nervous chuckle escaped him. "Light a candle, sir," Riza asked as she uselessly knocked on the door, desperate to escape.

"It's no use, hon. They can't hear us." Roy said, lighting one of the candles with a flimsy match for lack of ignition gloves. "Well, sir. What do you suppose we do, then?" Riza said agitatedly. Roy, illuminated by the lone candle, grinned wickedly. "My ideas might differ from yours."

"And that would be?"

"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other _very _much-" He began. Riza, to his surprise, chuckled. "No, sir. We couldn't possibly." Roy huffed. "Fine." The two sat in the cramped room, the candle in a make-shift candle holder. It was almost sickening how the almost life long friends stayed silent, until -

Roy covered her mouth with his. And to his mild surprise- she kissed back.

Meanwhile, in the office that was starting to feel rather cramped, Ed and Al were huddled under the desk praying Hawkeye would come back soon and save them from Havoc and his ranting. "And that's another thing... How come they don't like my hair? Women are allwwaayysss ranting about Mustang and his "oh so silky and gorgeous hair!" He stated in a huff. Breda and Falman sighed, "Give it up Havoc! and stop scaring the kids over there..." "Hmm? oh right... Hey Al where did you guys get to?"

"Shh! brother don't answer him!" "Havoc... you really screwed them up..." "Shuddup! and I'm teaching them to NEVER tell Mustang anything about their love life." "What love love life you idiot! I'm freaking 12 years old!" Yelled Edward. "But brother, what about Winr-" "Shh... hee hee what in the world are _you_ talking about..." Falman, Breda, and Feury were all aware of the crazed look in Ed's eye and deemed it best not to say anything.

"So, Ed... any plans for the weekend?" "Yeah, research. You?" "Oh, brother... but... but you said we could maybe... go to that carnival. You used to love it! remember?" "i know, i know... Fine, but remember we used most of the budget on the last trip. And besides you can't fit in the rides anymore..."

"Oh..."

_Great. Now I'm depressed! _thought Havoc as he sighed, "Well I know that the Colonel is going to go with some girl, I'm sure he wouldn't mind two more!" "_Heh heh heh. Two birds with one stone!" _Havoc thought as he saw his good deed as a way to wreck Mustang's date. "Do you think that the Colonel would bring us?" Asked Alphonse who was bouncing up and down by now. "Get real Al, that bastard wouldn't do it if his life depended on it..."

"Ed! Why do you have to be so mean to everyone who ever does anything to help us?"

"I AM NOT!"

"Yeah, chief, you kind of are..."

"Shuddup you spine-less Two faced bastard who can't get a date!"

"See, Brother! You are mean!"

"Shut up!"

"Ed, i just got you a way to spend someone else's money at a carnival, that my friend is nice. Besides Mustang would do it anyways."

"Ha... yeah right..." Ed sighed as he settled back down under the desk with Al. "Chief... you know that he is just talk when you two argue, right?" asked Havoc. "You sure?" replied Ed. "Kid, if he meant all his threats, Havoc would have been six feet under years ago." added Breda. "oh..." "I WOULD NOT!"

"Um, sirs?" Feury squeaked. "Aren't you worried about the Colonel and the Lieutenant?" Havoc repeated mouthing the words 'Colonel' and 'Lieutenant' until he came to a conclusion. Laughing, he and Breda made eye contact as they both assumed the same thing.

"No way..."

"I think so."

"Got a camera?"

"Always." Breda turned to Feury, "Stay here and watch the kids, we'll be right back." and with that Havoc and Breda sprinted down the hallways. "Come on Breda! Dammit where the hell are they?" "I think they went th-" Breda started, to be interrupted with: "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH" "Oh shit that was Ed!" Both their faces paled as they only could imagine what had happened to make that hardcore, bad ass kid scream bloody murder. "Brother! W-whats wrong?" "It burns it burns... i can't un see it..."

Edward cowered in the corner with Feury and Al, when Havoc came. "What did you do to the kid?" He looked inside the room, to see two very flustered - but thankfully still clothed - officers. Hawkeye's jacket was off and hair was down and messy, where somehow Roy's shirt had made it off. _Thank god chief Fullmetal made it in time._

"Don't stare, Havoc," mumbled an embarrassed Roy as he shrugged a jacket back on, and helped Hawkeye off the ground. If it weren't for fullmetal, Havoc probably would have yelled something along the lines as 'Riza you have a massive hickey!'

"Men, report back to the office, Alphonse you too..." "Fullmet- Ed... i can explain," Roy said as he took a seat next to the child on the floor as Riza collected herself. "So.. er Ed..." "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! you pervert you were ON THE FLOOR... IN A CLOSET!" "That may be so, Ed, but it's natural and I'm sure we can be mature about it."

"Mature? YOU want ME to be MATURE about THAT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ANYWAYS?"

"R-really? Oh, oh god... weeeelllll, when a mommy and a daddy love each other _very _much-"

"DO NOT TALK TO ME! You SICK, SICK man! I'm NOT stupid! PERVERT!"

"Well then don't ask 'What the hell was that?' AND I'm not a pervert!" "Whatever you Bastard..."

"But Ed, I'm sure you have some legitimate questions, man-to-man... so..."

"SHUDDUP! BASTARD!"

"Fine. your loss... I am not exactly a beginner... So if you have any questions..."

"NNNOOOOO! MY EARS! WHY YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!" Ed quickly shut up though once Riza emerged from the the closet. "Edward..." she said as she took a seat on the other side of the kid placing a hand on his shoulder. "Edward I'm sure Roy has said something along the lines of this being natural-" "Oh NO WAY! Uh-uh... Besides YOU SHOULD BE FREAKING OUT OVER ALPHONSE! HE just saw two people he looks up to MAKING OUT IN A CLOSET... AND he's ELEVEN!" Roy smirked, "you sure you don't mean _you? _Eh, Fullmetal?" "That's it! Thanks for the terrifying night. I'm going to go find Al." And with that the fullmetal alchemist booked it to the office.

"I'm sorry, Riza."

"Why are you worried about me? Those two boys are the ones who never want to look at you again."

Roy sighed. "Are you mad at me too?" Riza shook her head, smiling loosely. "No, of course not." "Why am I always the bad guy?" Roy complained. "Because..." Riza crouched beside him and placed a quick, final kiss on his lips. "_I_ don't fit the part." She then left him flat on his ass as she hurried back to the office.

**8888**

The rest of the night went by awkwardly enough - with Havoc, Breda and Feury's shocked, amused and down right perverted glances and comments - Hawkeye kept her gun close by at all times. Ed and Al went back to hiding under the desk, mumbling about something or other. Roy was doing his over-due paper work for lack of anything better to do... he didn't think Riza was up for the next base in the closet. But after a few hours once every one got a little bored with the hot Roy and Riza gossip, they moved on and began to do their own thing. After awhile Roy found himself picking up a sleeping Ed to place him on the couch he was also sleeping on, while Riza was talking to Al (who was finally convinced to come out from under the desk). "Come on Fullmetal, stop squirming..." Roy complained as his jacket was snatched and used as a blanket. Soon everyone had found a spot the fall asleep that night and peace and quiet finally came.

-_WHACK-_

"Dammit! FULLMETAL! What the HELL you could have BROKE MY NOSE! Ow!" "Wha- THE HELL! WHY AM I SLEEPING NEXT TO PERVE BOY? who knows what could have happened? What... WHY IS YOUR JACKET ON TOP OF ME!" "SHUT UP FULLMETAL!" "BROTHER! YOU WOKE EVERYONE UP! STOP BEING MEAN TO COLONEL MUSTANG! he was trying to be nice!" "SHUT UP!"

So what if the quiet didn't last long, and they were all screaming again as Falman told Havoc about 'cabin fever', making him cry and everyone really wanted to leave HQ... Only truth knows when the snow would melt. Besides, Alphonse found a Twister board...


	2. Chapter 2

KRISTEN AND ELSI DO NOT OWN FMA... ijc you where interested to know

:)

Twister- the age old game thats loved in any universe... Well at least alphonse thought. After explaining the rules, everyone had voted to the fact that the game ought be a violation of privacy. Roy seemed very enthusiastic about it though, and Ed steered Al away as he noticed the suggestive glances Roy was giving an overly embarrased Hawkeye. "Eh. why not?" said Havoc as he dragged Breda, Falman and Feury onto the mat. "Riza? Do you want to play?" Riza bit her lip. "Seeing as the circumstances are, I don't think it would be appropriate-" Roy grinned. "Oh, c'mon, hon ... I'm playing, and so are you." Roy pulled Riza onto the mat." "Uh, Al? Now what?" Ed asked, taking off his boots. "hmmm... You know? I've never seen Ed without his boots before." Said Breda, but everyone believed that comment should have remained internal. "yyeeeaaahhh, that's great Breda... Anyways! I'll spin!" "You sure Al?" asked Ed, "You love this game..." Al really did try to look as happy as a suit of armor could, "I'm sure brother! Besides... If i fall i'll hurt you because-" "BECAUSE ED'S TINY!" shrieked Feury before clamping a hand over his mouth. "F-feury?" whispered Roy as he backed away from the mat as even Alphonse didn't dare speak a word. "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, RUN, FEURY, RUN!" Yelled Breda and Havoc! "deathh..." whispered Edwward as he bagan to walk foreward, hi eyes as dark as humanly possible. Feury ran and hid, while Ed transmuted anything he could to create hell for Feury. "Fullmetal, let's go!" Roy yelled, removing his shoes. "Fine!" Once everyone was recollected, the game began. "Okay Al, spin," Roy said, volunteering to go first. "Uh... Left foot green. Right foot blue. Left hand blue. Right hand yellow." Roy assembled himself on the mat as told, and was now spread out in an odd way across the mat.

"Great, who's next?" Roy asked, smiling at Hawkeye

"Who's birthdays's closer?" Ed asked.

"Fuck you!" Havoc yelled, and kicked off his boots. "Okay, Al, give me your worst." The suit of armor looked out of place with the tiny spinner, but still again said, "Right foot red. Left foot yellow. Right hand yellow. Left hand green." Havoc looked at the mat with Roy in disbelief. "That means I'm _ontop_ of him."

"I QUIT!" Mustang yelled. "It's the _rules_, Colonel. You don't want to break the _rules_ do you?" Ed said wickedly. Havoc grumbled something, grimaced, and took his place on the mat.

"You're breathing on my neck.", "GET OFF!", and other mangled cries were shouted, causing everyone else to laugh.

"Ed, shut up! Besides, _you're _next." Choked out Havoc as he avoid touching Mustang anywhere.

"Alrighty then! Al, whats up?"

"what? Err brother? Everything Red." Ed grinned, "YES! RED is the Best bad ass, tough guy colour ever!"

"Shut up Fullmetal..."

Of course Ed stopped grinning stupidly after he realized how hard it was to have everything on red. "Curse you AL! Do you _want_ ME to lose to a bunch of morons!" "Watch it Ed..." muttered Breda as he walked up to the mat. "Oh god hurry up... My legs are on fire!" whimpered Havoc, still overly concerned with not touching Roy. Al looked happy as ever, so Havoc stopped complaing out loud shortly after that, "_stupid me and my stupid caring..." _

"OK! Breda, you got left foot blue. Right hand green. Left hand blue. Right foot red."

"Squish me and die..." Whispered Roy as Breda stumbled over Roy and Havoc. "Hey you guys?" asked Falman catiously, "uhh. Where did Feury go... is he coming back again?" "SSHSHHHHH!" Shushed Everyone as Ed's eye twitched creepily. "feuurrryyy wiiilllll dddiiiieeee..." "brothhher! YOU MOVED! YOU LOOOSSSSTTTT!" scream Aphonse while pointing an accusing finger at Ed. "NO I DIDN'T I DESERVE A SECOND SHOT AT IT!" "Oh, but fullmetal. We don't want to break any rules, do we?" Roy taunted. So with that, Ed got off the mat, being sure to shake it as much as possible beforehand to piss Roy off. "Ahh! Ed stop! You twerp!" "you pervert!" yelled Havoc to Mustang, "YOU TOUCHED ME!" "havoc. You have been breathing down my neck for a verrry longgg time." "Okay so what do we suppose we do about it?" Havoc asked. "Uh? umm! err. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" Cried Al in a panic. "Really? Oh well then," said Mustang as Ed tried to calm the hysterical Al, "I say that we have another person step in for fullmetal! what was he? Everything red? Why, Riza? What don't _ you_ take over for Ed?" "She's not stupid..." Ed muttered. "shuddup Edward." whispered Roy back, "So Riza? What do you say... we don;t know how long we will be in here for, so we might as well have some fun. This is only day two..." Riza grinned "Falman should take Ed's place." Falman clapped happily. "Yay I get to play now!"

"No, oh god no!" Havoc yelled, who was facing red.

"You needed a replacement. Use Falman." Falman hapily arranged himself on all red.

"GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY FACE FALMAN!" Havoc yelled as his arms slipped and he crashed ontop of Roy. "GET OFF, GET OFF, GET THE FUCK OFF!" Roy said squirming out from underneath. Al clapped. "Mr Mustang and Mr Havoc are out!" "HA! In your FACE MUSTANG!" "what are you talking about Fullmetal? You do realize you still got out first?" "Welll... IT WASN'T FAIR.." "Does that mean i won?" asked Falman innocently. "No... Breda's still in." replied Al. "Huh? Really?" "why... Do... you... seem... soo... suprised?" huffed Breda, who was now looking extremely tired. Mustang and Havoc coughed, "nooo reeeaaasssooonnn." "Miss Riza! Are you sure you don't want to play? It's really fun..." Riza smiled at the soul in the armor, "Yes, Al, I'm sure. Why don't i take over refereeing and you can play a bit?" "...I- i Don't know... What if i fall and crush someone?" Ed snickered, "go ahead Al. I wanna see that! But seriously you should have some fun."

So with that a new game of twister began, with Riza sitting on the desk governing the moves and rules. She noted the snow being halfway up the window, and shivered. She wondered how long it would take to get the Hell out of the cold, snowed in, powerless HQ.

"Mustang. Give me your coat. I'm cold." demanded Edward. "Yeah, and i'm not... You have your own coat Ed." "Oh, brother! Are you ok? Is your au-" "IT's fine Al." "HA! Al you moved!" Screamed Breda, as Al's hand slipped. "AHH!" everyone screamed as a very heavy suit of armor fell on the unsuspecting victems. "Well, thats that for Twister I think." Said Mustang as Al appologized over and over to Breda and Falman and Havoc. "So now what?" asked Feury who had only recently been allowed back in the room, "It is getting colder and we don't have any food." "Shut up Feury!" and as to back feury up Falman's stomach started to growl. "What are we going to do about food? I'm starviing," Breda complained now as it seemed appropriate. "There's a food storage in the basement. We should go before it gets dark..." Riza said. "So who goes? We can't all go, and if just the Boss and Hawkeye goes, we'll eventually have another mouth to feed."

"Wait, wha-" Al asked.

"Forget it," Roy mumbled.

"Oh I know! We could each team up in twos, and draw names to see who goes," Falman said. "We aren't playing sports, Falman," Ed said harshily. "But it'll work, seeing as we have an even number of people here," Roy said. So with that, 'teams' were made: Roy and Riza; Ed and Al; Feury and Falman; and Havoc and Breda.

"So now what?"

Falman scratched his head. "Uh... I dunno." "Great. Who does?" Roy asked. "Just put the name of the groups in a hat or something." "Okay, genius, what fucking hat?" Riza sighed, and walked literally two steps from Mustang was standing to the coat rack, where a hat hung. She picked it up and threw it at Roy. "Thanks, hon." He mumbled as he sat at his desk and scribbled down names furiously.

"Okay, fullmetal. Draw." Ed made a face, and reached into the hat and took a hunk of paper out. "Bastard and Hawkeye." Roy nodded. "Okay, I'll draw." Ed mubled to Al, "I already feel bad for the poor suckers stuck with them-" "Oh lucky day, Ed. You've joined the search party," Roy said, waving the paper over his head. "FUCK NO! THATS A FLUKE!"

"Hurry up I'm huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry," Falman complained. Ed glared, "If we die down there because of these two... ITS YOUR FAULT!" Falman shrugged, "have fun!"

So as Roy, Riza, Ed and Al ventured down into the basement, Al couldn't help but notice something about Riza. So as to not embarress her, he decided to ask her later... but ended up doing it anyways. "Miss Riza? Did you find some purple food dye?" "Al what are you talking about?" scoffed Ed. "Well," Al went on to say, "there is some purple food dye on her neck? How did you manage to get it there Riza?" "There's no purple food dye on her- OH MY GOD THERE IS! SICK! YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME!" "Dammit ED! CALM DOWN! …. AND SHUT UP!" yelled Roy, as his and Riza's checks turned pink. "What! what is that mark? Brother?" "Noooo Wayyy in HELL am i explaining this... not now!" "Mr Mustang! Please What is going on?" Roy paled, "Ed! he's your brother... But if i must... When a mommy and a daddy love each other _very _much, they-" and that's when Ed tackled Roy. "Ed, please get off the Colonel." Said Riza. Ed grimmaced, "yeah thats your job..." "ED!" "please someone tell me whats going on!" Lots more accusations and empty rounds were thrown around after that.

"ENOUGH!" shouted Riza as she fired some more bullets after the short blond alchemist. "Brother! HIDE!" "That's what i'm doing!" "Alright! EVERYONE SHUT UP!" yelled Roy as he stood and brushed himself off. "We are here to find food, not do fullmetal's dirty work. Sorry Al, ask your brother those questions." "OK!" said Al as happy as ever, addressing his questions to Ed. "Oh, hey, food!" Ed screamed to avoid any of Al's questions. "Damn, he's right!" Roy said, looking at a shelf full of food. "So, how do we carry it all?" Roy glanced at Al... Ed saw this glance. "NO WAY IN HELL ARE YOU USING MY BROTHER TOO CARRY ALL YOUR FOOD! YOU TWISTED, DERANGED MAN!" "sir, that doesn't seem like a good idea..." "I don't want to be used like that!" yelled Al. "Okay then, children. Grab an armful of food." Doing as Roy said, his two and a half subordinates gathered food. Roy went to open the door, and discovered it was locked. "WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS BUILDING AND DOORS THAT LOCK FROM THE INSIDE!" Ed hollered. "Oh that's right. This use to be an interrogation room," Hawkeye mused. "And the closet?" Ed asked. "Ever heard of the 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy, kid?" Roy asked as he sat on the floor and Ed maniacally tried to transmute. "Its no use. These doors have been fitted with special alchemy to forgo use of Alchemy on them," Roy said to the furious alchemist as Riza took her place beside him. "Then burn it down!" "Do I look like I can afford to do that?" Roy askd mid yawn.

"Oh, god, Al. We are stuck down here with a make out machine and no way out." "Ed, come on... If we are going to be stuck in here could you at least be civil?" "No." "Ed?" whispered Al. "Yeah?" "did you see something move on the floor." Roy looked down, "Huh... it's just a spider." "!" Alphonse screamed while clinging onto Ed, which looked pretty funny, "Al, are you still freaked out by spiders?" "OF COURSE! THEY ARE DISGUSTING AND CREEPY AND... you know..." "No i don't know..." Ed chuckled darkly, "Let's just say Al had a bad experience with spiders when he was little... Besides Al you aren't scared of the Bastard Colonel... And he's disgusting and creepy and shit." That earned Ed a whack over the head from Roy. "Doesn't anyone have anything to contact Havoc with?" said Al, "Oh, god... What if the spider goes into my armor!" "Al, don't worry about it!" said Ed as Al hugged him ever harder and tried to avoid the ground, Ed turned to Riza, "Help me.. How do we get the attention of the people upstairs?"

_I have an idea ,_ Roy thought, _but i doubt it's appropriate._ "Uhm," Roy said. "Why doesn't someone scream or something. Besides theres a spider down here." For saying that, Roy got a boot chucked at him. "YOU SICK BASTARD!" Roy laughed. "Your mind's pretty fucked up, kid." Riza shot a glare at Roy. _Watch what you say_, was all she mouthed at him.

After around half an hour, the four started to get restless and Al kept asking Ed if it was cold. "It's FINE Al, stop worrying..." "But Brother, you're looking a little paler... Does it hurt?" "A bit but it's FINE!" they whispered. "Fullmetal?" asked Roy who had appeared behind the brothers, "What does he mean, 'Does it hurt?'" Ry put a hand n the shoulder made of metal, which caused Ed to gasp in pain. Riza immedeatley clued in, and shrugged off her jacket and wrapped it around Ed's mechanical arm. Roy's eyes widened. "Fullmetal..." "i-it's nothing... just gets a little sore when it's cold..." "Brother! you told me it wasn't too cold. You could get frostbite!" "Fullmetal..." Roy growled while pinching the bridge of his nose, "Why didn't you tell us?" Ed tried frantically to move away as Roy sat next to him and put his arms around him, inviting Riza to do the same "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME!" "shut up Ed, i'm not happy about it either... but it's better than you getting frostbite." That earned Roy a quick smile from Riza, as she also sat down next to Ed and wrapped her arms around him. "You need to stay warm Ed. So please stop squirming." she added gently as he slowly stopped cursing and moving. "Fine... Just NEVER. TELL. HAVOC!" Roy chuckled, "you have my word." And with that Ed stopped squirming and even leaned on Roy a little, teeny, tiny bit. Roy looked surprised as Ed started to drift off.


	3. Chapter 3

Kristen and I do not own FMA...

Please R&R! Enjoy ;3

While Roy, Riza and Ed were asleep in the basement, Alphonse had the pleasure of trying to find a way out. So first thing he did was try the door again, this idea ended up scaring the shit out of him so that was the end of that. "HAVOC! nooo!" he heard Breda scream followed by the sounds of tearing fabric, "PUT SOME PANTS ON!" "MHAHAHAH!" Havoc cackled, "COME MY FOLLOWERS! LET US SACRIFICE THE GRAY HAIRED ONE!" "RUN FALMAN!" "I-i told you cabin fever was real... NO HAVOC!"

-_BANG!_ -

"BROTHER!" yelled Alphonse as he ran down the stairs towards the sleeping officers, "Th-they are gonna KILL eachother! … and Havoc isn't wearing pants!"

"No pants Havoc?" Roy mumbled, tightening his hold on Ed and Riza. "HE'S GOING TO KILL FALMAN!" Al screamed. "Let them kill him," Ed said through a yawn. "BIG BROTHER!" Ed waved him away as he tried to sleep again. "WHY DOES THIS NOT BOTHER YOU?" Al asked. Riza stretched. "I'll figure something out," she muttered as she went up the stairs and approached the door. Sure enough, when she put her ear against the door, she heard screaming. She prepared to fire a shot in the air, when Falman burst through the door, knocking her on her ass.

"HIDE ME!" Falman said as he tripped over Hawkeye and down the stairs. Hawkeye - now satisfied the door was open - called for Roy, Ed and Al, before seeing a startling sight; A half naked Havoc. Of course, Hawkeye being Hawkeye, she pulled her gun and fired.

"HAVOC! Put some PANTS ON!"

"NEVER! COME FOLLOWERS! ATTACT THE DEMON WOMAN!"

By now Roy and Ed and Al had reached the door and had the pleasure of seeing a pantsless Havoc, so without thinking Roy covered Al's eyes. He was just too innocent...

"You better not be thinking of cheating on me," said Roy casually.

"Nah," Riza replied, "NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE PUT SOME PANTS ON HAVOC!"

"MY EYES!" shrieked Ed as Havoc ripped off his shirt in a very Armstrong-like way.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! BHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"That my friends, was **Cabin fever** -also known as House Syndrome - is an idiomaticterm for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period - as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow. Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark. _Cabin fever_ can also be known as a term for a lack of sexual intercourse. The phrase is also used humorously to indicate simple boredom from being home alone." Stated Falman as every one's jaw dropped. "Why the fuck do you know that?" asked Ed, "I'm a genius and i don't even know that." Falman shrugged.

"So, what your saying, Falman, is that Havoc hasn't gotten it for awhile and is crazy?" Roy asked menacingly. Falman rubbed the back of his head. "Perhaps that is why, but why did he take his clothes off?" Roy laughed, and Riza grimaced. "Oh, I bet he's jealous." Roy said still covering Al's eyes. "Mr Mustang? Wh-what's wrong with Havoc and hasn't gotten any what?" Roy turned to Ed, "what the hell is your problem? Will you just explain to him already?"

"EXPLAIN WHHHAAATTTT! BROTHER!"

"NEVER!" Shrieked Ed and proceeded to tackel Falman who attempted to give the dictionary definition of _getting some. _

"wait a second... Where are Breda and Feury!" yelled Al, who had only just been allowed to see again.

"eh... oh well." stated Ed who start to go and find a couch to finish sleeping.

"Sir, i suggest we pair up and retrieve Breda and Feury." Said Riza, slipping back into Lieutenant mode.

"I CHOOSE YOU PIKACHU... I MEAN AL!" Yelled Ed, who's pokemon addiction had started to show. "How old are you, Fullmetal?" Roy questioned. "TWELVE!"

"Okay then... Come on Lieutenant."

"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Falman cried.

"Oh. Stay in here so you don't get sacrificed by Havoc the almighty." Roy said, dreading the idea of Falman coming with him and Riza. "Okay, Ed, Al. You start on this floor. We'll take the second." Ed rolled his eyes. "Fine." Al and Ed headed in the direction where Roy had told him to head in. "Brother?" Al asked quietly. "Isn't the closet on the second floor?"

**888**

"umm? Roy? Feury and Breda could be being eaten by Havoc... Shouldn't we, well, help them?

"Do you really want to leave _The Closet_?" Roy said in a reverent voice. _The Closet_ was now the best place ever in his mind as he kissed up Riza's neck. "In all reality, _no_. But if you give me another hickey I'll be upset." she whispered. She ran her fingers through his black hair, allowing him to kiss her throat. "Stop," she giggled childishly. He laughed, and then was statled when she pushed him away.

"Havoc!" She whispered harshly, and pulled her gun as she stood. She was first to witness bare assed Havoc prance into the room.

"DEMON WOMAN! DEMON ASSHOLE! COME WITH ME!"

**8888**

"Alphonse?"

"Yes Brother?"

"Did you just hear a gun?"

"nooo..."

-"DEMON WOMAN! DEMON ASSHOLE! COME WITH ME!"-

"did you hear that?"

"Yes brother... that i heard..."

"Run?"

"Run."

"AHHHHH! HAVOC"S GONNA EAT USS!"

"EDWARD?"

"FEURY!"

"FEURY?

"ALPHONSE!"

"FEURY!"

"EDWARD?"

"FALMAN!"

"FALMAN!"

Alphonse sighed, "thank god! We thought Havoc ate you!"

"Noo... But he did steal our shoes..."

"Did he now..." said Ed, as he looked over his shoulder, "and what did he do with said shoes?"

"Burn them in the fireplace."

" I see..." Ed said again, "and does anyone just see a naked Havoc running this way?"

"ED! AL! RUN!" Shrieked Roy as Havoc sprinted past the three subordinates plus one as Riza shot Havoc.

"YOU HAVE MISSED AGAIN DEMON WOMAN! BHAHAHAHA!"

Al screamed upon seeing nude Havoc. Riza shot at Havoc again.

"Don't hurt Havoc! He doesn't know what he's doing!" Riza laughed. "They're rubber." And as she said it, nailed Havoc in the stomach. Havoc fell to the floor in pain, cursing. "SLAVES! KEEL TEH DEMON WOMAN!"

"What special cigarettes is he smoking," Roy mumbled, throwing a jacket at Havoc. Ed transmuted a rope out of the fabric in the carpet, and tossed it to Roy, who tied Havoc up.

"IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Roy hollered at Havoc, causing everyone to shrink back at his tone. "WHAT THE VOICES ARE TELLING ME!"

Falman nodded. "Yup. He has Cabin Fever. No doubt."

"Only one thing to do," said Roy, "tie him up and lock him in the basement."

Ed, Breda, Feury, and Falman nodded and followed Roy down the hallway.

"WHAT? YOU ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO TIE HAVOC UP AND LOCK HIM THE BASEMENT TO FREEZE?"

"Well, yeah? Why not?" asked Ed.

"BECASUE YOU HAVE A SOUL?" Screamed Al.

"He does?" Roy, Falman, feury and Breda gawked.

"OF COURSE I DO! now give me the rope. I WANT TO TIE HIM UP!"

"No. You can transmute some pants for the son of a bitch,' Roy said, avoiding any unnessicary physical contact with the nude Havoc.

"Goooooood ideaaaa..." said Ed, "BUT I STILL GET TO TIE HIM UP!"

"Fine Ed, fine... Let's just get it over with."

"Sir, are you sure this is the best way to deal with this situation?"

"HELL YEAH!" yelled Ed while jumping in front of Roy.

"Edward, since when do i call you sir?"

"sorry..."

"yeah, you better be shorty!" said Roy, "and yes, Hawkeye i think this is an excelant way to deal with this shitttt-uation."

Riza sighed, refusing to dirty her hands with this 'shit-uation.'

Roy threw a pair of pants at Havoc, and at Riza's gunpoint, Havoc put them on. Ed than delightedly tied up Havoc, and Al, Roy, Breda, and Ed picked Havoc up by each limb, and dragged him to the foot of the staircase.

"one, two, three!" Ed yelled, and the swung Havoc down the stairs.

_Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. _Riza looked down the stairs to see Havoc picking himself off the floor. Roy, now seing his comrade wasn't seriously injured, slammed the door shut, leaving Havoc to his own insanity.


	4. Chapter 4

**Kristen and Elsi DO NOT OWN FMA... or any songs quoted...**

"Well, I got to say," said Ed, "I really do love the clunking noise Havoc made when he fell down the stairs..."

"Good for you Ed, I'm glad to see you've acquired my taste for the finer things in life." sighed Roy as he and Riza made themselves comfortable on the couch opposite Ed, Al and Breda. Falman and Feury were out looking for food that wasn't in the basement with the Insane Havoc. "At least he won't starve," Roy complained, resting his head on Riza's shoulder, pouting (to which Riza thought looked adorable) due to his hunger. "Well, if Falman and Feury can unlock the cafeteria we'll eat."

Ed - who felt sick from watching Roy and Riza cuddle to 'keep warm' - decided it was time for a nap. After having the sick bastard and the not-so-sick Riza sleep with their arms around him, he hadn't gotten much sleep that night. Breda snorted, "If you two sit that close-" "Shh!" Riza shushed him, pointing at innocent Al. "WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS?" Ed seemed to become more aware suddenly, just waiting for the words to be said- "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, Al, they start to-" Breda started, rubbing the back of his head. Right on cue, Ed jumped from his 'sleeping' position, and knocked Breda on to the floor, stepping on his shoulders.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HIS INNOCENCE?" Ed screamed.

"BUT BRRROOOTTTHHHEERRRR!"

Roy groaned, "Ed, I'm tired of this. Just grow a pair and explain this to your brother. He is your brother after all." Al poked Ed. "Grow a pair of what?"

Roy looked at the two brothers in disbelief. "How fucking sheltered have you kept this kid? He's eleven after all. e-l-e-v-e-n. Not three. Eleven." Al continued to poke Ed. "Sheltered from what?"

"... Ok, thats just not healthy. Roy... we must intervene." stated Breda.

"Agreed Bread... I mean Breda... sorry, I'm just so hungry."

"Hey Ed?"

"Yes Mustang?"

"Come with me, I'm going to find Falman and Feury."

"O-ok... Al wait here, i guess. I'll be back!" Ed yelled as Roy dragged him out of the room.

"Now... Alphonse, Roy and I have decided that there are certain things you should know that your brother has kept from you."

"Reaallllyyy? About what!"

"Weeeell... When a mommy and a daddy love eachother very much... or sometimes not at all... they err well... uhhh. The guy-" Before going off into a whisper-mumble only Al could hear.

"..."

"Alphonse come with me..." said Riza taking Al while leaving Breda to his failed attempts of giving the talk.

Of course soon afterwards, Al's terrified shrieks echoed through the building.

"WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY? EWWWWWWWW!"

"come on Alphonse, you are a scientist... be mature."

"b-bu-but t-the the and theennn and just and whhhhhaaaaa-?"

"It's only natural, Al," Riza comforted the trembling suit of armor.

"Wait, Lieutenant, is that what you and Roy were doing in the closet? Making babies? Aww... are you going to be a mommy. Lieutenant? Can I feel your tummy?" Asked Alphonse who was practically bouncing out of excitement as Riza turned pink as she was bombarded with embarrassing questions of her love life, and was a tiny bit relieved when she heard the clunk of a metal prosthetic limb and footsteps behind it.

"Is everything all right, Al?" Ed yelled as he came to a stop when he saw both Al and Hawkeye sitting. "Big brother! I don't care how yucky the way it happens is... I'm going to be a big brother! And- and Roy and Riza are going to be parents! Aren't you excited!" The suit of armor almost seemed to skip over to Ed whilst flailing his metal arms.

"YOU KNOCKED UP HAWKEYE?" Ed screeched at Roy.

"WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX!... yet"

"EWWWWW! MY EARS!"

"Is that the word for this?" Al said, as he somehow sat untroubled through the turmoil. "-But if you didn't have sex... then how will Roy be a daddy?"

"Mustang? A dad? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Ed, i would be a wonderful father so shut your face you arrogant little twerp!"

"Yes, wonderful parenting, Mustang." sighed Riza.

"Fullmetal's not my kid... so it doesn't count."

"Blah blah blah... That's great mustnag. But back to the issue at hand. YOU GOT HAWKEYE PREGNANT! I don't want another little brother!"

"I am not pregnant! and who said it would be a boy anyway?" Riza stated while sitting next to the now depressed Al.

"B-but i wanted a little brother... wait a second! I-if you and Roy needed to have... sex... to make a baby... Did mom and dad...have... s-e-x?"

"OH DEAR GOD WHHHHHYYYYYY?" shrieked Ed as he proceeded to whack Mustang with his automail arm, "WHHHYYYY? THAT IS NOT RIGHT? WHAT THE FUCK... EWWWW NO GOD NOOOO!"

"Edward... I will hunt you down and keel you! you almost broke my god-like face you ass!"

"shut up..."

" besides if i had a kid why would it be your little brother?"

"... uh... I DON'T KNOW! ASK AL!" said Ed with a face red as a tomato.

**8888**

"Here I am... lost and alone in the perilous dungeon of the evil demon king and queen. The woman shot me as the minions tied me up. The demon child threw me down the stairs and cackled as i yelled out in pain... they are truly abominations. But alas, i am EMPEROR HAVOC! I will survive!"

**8888**

Feury and Falman were trying their hardest to unlock the cafeteria. "I'm _hungry_!" Falman complained as his stomach growled and he furiously banged his head on the alchemy reinforced doors to the cafeteria. Feury shrunk down the wall to sit on the floor trying to think, before hearing someone scream... or sing:

"_WE CAN DANCE IF WE WANT TO, WE CAN LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS BEHIND."_

Feury had almost forgotten about Havoc in the basement. "Uh... Falman? What about Havoc?" Falman gave Feury a look that showed exactly how unamused he was, but said anyway, "Yes, I suppose we should remind the Colonel about him."

"_COZ YOUR FRIENDS DON'T DANCE AND IF THEY DON'T DANCE, WELL, THEY'RE NO FRIENDS OF MINE."_

Ignoring the clapping and the screeching of one of the most irritating songs of all time, Feury and Falman made there way up the stairs until a new type of screaming was presentable.

"SHE'S NOT PREGNANT!"

Falman turned on his heels, but Fuery pushed him forward. "Come on, lets tell the Colonel."

"What's wrong fullmetal? Stop throwing things at me!"

"But i don't understand! I-if they had... s-e-x... then wouldn't Riza be an almost mommy?"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MATTER AL?"

"Stop being meeaaan brother! Just because you don't want an other little brother doesn't mean i don't"

"BUT I AM NOT PREGNANT!"

"Please, Feury, lets leave before they notice us!"

"too late." said Roy as he dodge a piece of ceiling plaster thrown by Ed, and walked towards the duo.

"Err... Sir, what about Havoc?"

"Is he sane?"

"He is currently singing the safety dance in the basement."

"Soo... a few more hours maybe?"

"Hey Mustang! you could learn from that song... a-about safety and... and shit..."

"lame fullmetal... lame."

**8888**

"I have established a plan, I Havoc, will continue to sing the songs of the gods until the dreaded demons release me from this hell! I have completed the dance of safety, now i must sing -"

**8888**

"_WE WERE AT THE BEACH, EVERYONE HAD MATCHING TOWELS!"_

"Oh, god, no. He's singing again!" Ed complained, and hid his head in the couch to block out the dreaded sound. Roy cried out in a almost in pain like manner. "Is anyone currently against trial to execution?" For a lack of Riza or Al in the room, there was no objection.

Meanwhile, in the hallway, Riza and Al sat, talking of the 'talk.' "So, what's that purple dye then?" Riza sighed. "Al, it isn't purple die, honey." Al sat up. "Oh, oh, what is it then?" Riza was almost afraid of how enthusiastic Al was getting into this. "when a mommy and a daddy really love each other-" She started before being interjected with, "But you say you aren't gonna be a mommy!" Riza sighed. "No... when two people with a special bond-" Al clapped his child-like hands together. "Is this something I can try with Ed?"

"NO AL PLEASE NO!"

"Okay, a to-be mommy and a to-be Daddy," Al corrected her, dropping the idea of giving his brother a hickey, leaving Riza to question just how that was going to happen in a suit of armor. Riza briefly explained the concept of purple food die.

"Oh, god. I don't wanna do that with Ed!" Al exclaimed once coming to terms how the 'dye' got there. "So the Colonel gave that to you by -"

"Uh, yes, Al, hon. It's not important."

"He must _really_ like you, Hawkeye!"

"Yeah. Anyways..."

"wait... are you telling me the mommy and the daddy don't love each other? THAT IS AGAINST THE RULES!"

"Alphonse... there are no fixed rules about this sort of thing..."

"B-but what about the baby! You_ have_ to love Mustang! And he absolutely HAS to love you... THINK OF THE BABIES!"

"... babies? Not for a while Alphonse."

"BUT you guys had... s-e-x... in the closet. AND I would like to have a baby brother and be a good big brother like my big brother."

"First... we did not have sex. Ok? let's just clarify that. Second, that's very sweet about wanting a little brother, but Mustang and i will not be having children for a while."

"But you will be having children with Mustang right?"

"... Oh look Alphonse! here comes Roy and Ed. You must have lots more questions for them! Go on and ask them!"

"OK!"

"Mustang? Is it true you and Hawkeye are gonna have babies one day?"

"..." Roy paled.

"And is it alllsssoooo true that even though you and Hawkeye aren't married or anything, you lllooooovvvvvveeeeee her! 'cause if you don't you are breaking the RULES."

"..." Roy, now at the brink of his embarrassment limit, collapsed at the thought of 'having babies' with Riza.

"Alphonse... i told you, there are no fixed rules. Now help me carry Roy, he probably won't wake up from the coma for a few hours."

"Why did Mr. Mustang faint?"

"Because you are asking inappropriate questions."

Ed smirked, "please continue grilling Mustang. I like watching him pass out."

"Ed but aren't you even a liitttllleeee concerned? YOU JUST FOUND OUT THAT NOW NNNOOOONNNNNEEEE OF OUR PARENTS LOVE EACH OTHER... THINK OF THE BABIES!... huh maybe that's why you have so many issues brother!"

Ed paled, and proceeded to kick Mustang on his head, with his auto-mail leg.

"Shhhhiiiiitttttt. Owwww, damn it. What the hell?" moaned Roy as he clutched his head.

"Al. What do you mean _all_ our parents? haha." said Ed who looked rather mentally unstable.

"Err... Alphonse? Um getting back to the whole baby thing," started Riza looking uncomfortable, "As i am still working i won't be having a baby anytime soon."

"Oh, ok... B-but you and the daddy will love each other? Right? I-it's awful when they don't. Even if they have good reasons..."

"THAT'S IT... I'm gonna go find Falman and Feury..." yelled Ed while he stormed off.

"Brother? No! I- please don't get upset! You _know_ Dad had a reason!" said Al and he followed Ed.

"well... that was different." said Roy, still clutching his head.

"Go talk to him."

"What? No. He'll just hit me again!"

"He's upset. Go talk to him."

"Now _you_ sound upset," Roy complained. Riza shook her head. "Upset, no. Disappointed, perhaps. I feel as if we have torn their minds apart with our carelessness." Roy sighed. "Probably. They're _scientists_ Riza," he reminded her. "That doesn't mean they've seen it in action," Riza said sarcastically. "Action? You call _that _action?" Roy grinned at Riza, leaning to her spot at the floor. She smiled back, but firmly pushed on his chest. "You go apologize to those brothers." Roy rolled his eyes, and set out to find the two Elrics.

**8888**

"Ed? Al? dammit... where the hell are they?" muttered Roy as he trudged down hallway after hallway. But as he was turning around a corner he caught sight of Ed and Al facing away from him. He quickly backed away, pressed himself against a wall to hear as much as he could.

"-don't you remember? He must have loved us... even a little!" whispered Al softly.

"Al... I don't know. If he loved us, if he loved _Mom_, then where the hell is he? Where was he at her funeral? Wh-when we tried... Or October 3rd? Where was he _today?"_

"I-i don't know Brother. B-but he used to love us? S-s-soo something bad must of happened! that' why he's not... not here."

"It doesn't matter Al. We're going to get your body back and we'll be fine even with out that bastard."

"Y-you're right Brother. A-and we're not all by ourselves anymore, we have Riza, Havoc and everyone and the Colonel! A-and when the Colonel and Riza have a baby, then our family will be even bigger!"

"Exactly!"

Really? He teased Ed non-stop and he still... considered him family? Roy sighed and ran his hand over his face.

Wow. That boy truly was something else. Alphonse had always been the kindest person he even met, but Ed came across as a aggorant twerp. Hearing him tell all was odd enough but throwing in that Roy and Riza were family was just... wow.

"Ed?" Ed swiveled around at the mention of his name, saw the colonel and paled. "how much of that did you hear?"

"Most of it."

Ed sighed. He didn't explode, He didn't swear, curse, or lash out. He just sighed. "... I hope you are happ-"

"_ROCK LOBSTER!"_

Roy and Ed looked at each other with the same expression.

"Kill Havoc?"

"Yes, let's."

**Kristen's A/N:**

Uh. Crack. Pure crack. 4 am holy shit let's write a crack story:

.com/watch?v=i5vlj5OEfMc Safety Dance (1st song)

.com/watch?v=tDZy6-fMCw4 Rock Lobster (2nd Song)

Just incase you wanted to be irritated further :D

**Elsi's A/N:**

well.. that was interesting... just a suggestion, if you like your saninity do NOT listen to the songs Dx

**BTW please feel free to suggest any ideas for the next few chapters :3 **


	5. Chapter 5

Elsi and Kristen Do Not Own Fullmetal Alchemist... if we did we would take all our money we made, move to Japan and get hot Japanese Boyfriends xDD

Previously... :D

_Ed?" Ed swivelled around at the mention of his name, saw the colonel and paled. "How much of that did you hear?"_

_"Most of it."_

_Ed sighed. He didn't explode, He didn't swear, curse, or lash out. He just sighed. "... I hope you are happ-"_

_"ROCK LOBSTER!"_

_Roy and Ed looked at each other with the same expression._

_"Kill Havoc?"_

_"Yes, let's."_

Now when Riza saw Ed and Roy walking calmly towards baement, ropes in hand as well as a... hammer, no… a mace?… she began to worry. And Alphonse screaming "brother you can't seriously execute someone!" didn't help matters. "Roy?"

"Uh-Riza! err, hi!"

"What are you doing sir?"

"YOU!" yelled Ed before slamming his hand onto his mouth.

"shiiittt... Al did i just say that?"

Roy coughed, "Well you see, when you told me to go and bond with Fullmetal, Havoc was singing this really annoying song, and Fullmetal and i desided to we really should do something about it so-"

"RIZA THEY WANT TO KEEL HAVOC!" shrieked Al.

"Riza, Riza, Riza," said Ed calmly walking towards her, "_first lieutenant_ Riza... Well I, _Major_ Edward, think this an excellent way to deal with this issue. But since we are just freaking awesome... we decided to have fun with this. Roy is Judge, I called persecutor, always thought I would be a kick-ass lawyer... and we asked Falman, Feury, and Bread and no one wants to be Havoc's lawyer... so they're all jury. Al? What do you want to be?"

"brother... I want to be the one to kill you when we get put of this place... YOU HAVE GONE INSANE AND ARE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS!"

"Ok, Al calls executioner."

"No, Brother!"

Riza sighed as she looked at the two bickering brothers. "As much as I'm sure I'll regret this later, I will be Havoc's lawyer."

"B-but Lieutenant!" Roy complained.

"If you're judge, you're neutral, and have to listen to what we have to say, and _judge _it." She stopped and said quieter, "I really do not want to shoot you. Please, sir. It's the least I can do." "Hell, I hate when you talk like that," Roy complained, but his grin said otherwise. "Anyways, sir, I think that court may not be the best option to deal with this problem, but if you say it needs to be done but so be it."

"Pretty lady is on Havoc's side! Havoc is gonna _score_ tonight!" Havoc happily exclaimed. "Shut up," Roy said, smacking the back of Havoc's head. "God, how long does this cabin fever last?" Ed whined. "Is score mean s-e-x?" Al asked curiously. "Yes, Al. But in terms of Havoc's case, this isn't the _nice_ type."

"HIDE YO KIDS AND HIDE YO WIFE, COLONEL!" Havoc exclaimed

"I am _not_ married and have no kids I currently know of."

"B-but, Mr Mustang, you said you loved Riza and that we were your sort of kids!" Al shouted, shocked. "Yes, Alphonse. But I am not married to Riza _yet, _and I have no biological children _yet_."

"I'M CLIMBIN IN YO WINDOW AND SNATCHIN YO PEOPLE UP!"

"you know what? Riza, Ed, Al lets go..."

"TRYIN TO RAPE EM... SO Y'ALL NEED TO HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIFE!"

"Now! and Feury and Breda you come too..."

"w-what about me sir?" asked Falman.

"r-right, uh sure... you too!" mumbled Roy while ushering Ed and Al and Riza into a corner to then barricade it with various bookcases located conveniently around the room.

"move your ass mustang i wanna get this case started!"

"Language Fullmetal..."

"what. so i shouldn't say things like FUCK... or SHIT... or Bastard?"

"Well, Fullmetal, that _is_ what I'm suggesting."

"or fucktard, or dumbshit or asshat or um... err... bitch, or asshole or... how about..."

"Really Ed? Thats all you got?"

"Shut up you... you... f-...ummm mother fucker! there we go!"

"Edward," said Riza, "Please stop using vulgar language... Alphonse is already curled in a ball crying. Roy, stop encouraging him..."

"RIIIIZZZAAAA! but- but Mustang started it..."

"CAUSE IM RAPIN EVERYBODY OUT THERE! I WONT COME AND CONFESS YOU GONNA FIND- wait no... YOU NOT GONNA FIND ME!"

"Riza! quick duck down before he sees you!"

Riza climbed over the top of the barricade. "I think I can take care of myself, sir."

"Colonel?"

"Yes Ed?"

"Umm... welll..."

"What!"

"What's rape?"

"Havoc. Sit down. If i am going to defend you, you better behave."

"no way in hell, Demon Queen. Havoc is a very... _very..._ bad boy. I might need to be tortured. By you in all you demon-hot-ness!"

"No! I'm worse Riza! DONT LISTEN TO HIM!" Shrieked Roy.

"Calm down Roy. I am not going to torture him... nor you."

"Oh, ok... wait what exactly would you classify as torture? I didn't just like agree to no BDSM, foreplay or anything right?"

Ed was glad Al didn't see the look Riza shot at Roy, and it even made Ed's spine tingle with gross-ness. But of course, Al had to ask, "What is BDSM?"

"**BDSM** is a consensual lifestyle choice, or type of adult roleplay between two or more individuals. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), domination and submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and masochism (S&M, S/M, or SM). Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the fact that the participants usually take on complementary, but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential. Typically participants who are active – applying the activity or exercising control over others – are known as tops or dominants. Those participants who are recipients of the activities, or who are controlled by their partners are typically known as bottoms or submissives. Individuals who assume both top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles—whether from relationship to relationship or within one relationship—are known as switches."

"Oh, my god, Falman. If I hear one of your speeches like that again, I'll have you demoted," Roy groaned. Falman huffed. "Sorry, Colonel."

Roy sat behind his desk (or make shift judge chair) and hit the cherry wood desk with a hammer he had transmuted.

"Court is now in session," Roy cried. "I invite Ed to speak."

"Thank you, Judge Fucktard." Roy rolled his eyes. "As you are aware, our innocence was stolen from us by King Havoc and his naked-ness. Every crime has it's punishment, and I think that Havoc's crime is punishable by death."

"_Objection!"_ Riza shouted, standing. Havoc muttered under his breath. "Damn, I'm going to pay back Demon Woman in _full_ later." "Shut up, Havoc," Riza hissed.

"Death is, by far, one of the most unreasonable penalties for such a mediocre crime. Perhaps, the children's innocence may have been stolen from them, but no. Death is not the right punishment."

"Acknowledged," Roy said. "You bring up a very good point, Miss Hawkeye."

"Damn, you bastard, you can't side with her just because you're fucking her!"

"Edward. Do you really think this is appropriate?" asked Riza as Ed seemed to shrink.

"N-no?"

"Besides I'm NOT f- umm... sleeping with Riza."

"Closet? Your a bad liar Colonel Shit-face."

"IMMA FUCK DEMON WOMAN!" Cried Havoc as he wildly flailed around.

"RIZA! NO!1!" yelled Roy as he leapt across the desk and tried to strangle Havoc.

"Yeah! You beat the crap outta the maniac, Colonel Bastard! GO ASSFACE!"

"C-Colonel M-Mustang... Please don't hurt Havoc too badly! You two are friends remember!"

"HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE CAUSE IM RAPIN EVERYBODY OUT THERE!"

"...BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA HIM ROY! WOOOO! He shouldn't be able to walk after your through with h-... wait a second... Can i refrase that last bit! I-it didn't come out right!"

"umm... never mind. Can i change sides about the death penalty thing brother? Go Colonel!"

Not that Roy heard any of this as he really did try to knock his once close friend unconscious. Not that anyone saw riza load her gun; or Falman continue to mumble about BDSM; Feury start to cry; or Breda go and get a chair.

"Here Sir! Use the Chair!"

"TAKE THIS YOU MANIAC! Rape MY wife and kids will ya! I don't think so!"

"brother..."

"...yeah?"

"Roy has caugh the cabin fever too, hasn't he?"

"Who's Roy, The King of the Lizard People is beating up the maniac..."

"Damn, Roy, what the fuck are you doing!" Havoc screamed, seeming to regain his sense of wring and right through the aggressive beating.

"RIZA BROTHERS INSANE TOO!"

"Don't worry sweetie, Mo- RIZA's got this..." she stated as she grabbed Roy and Ed's ears and through them into the corner. "Stay still!" She commanded as Roy bean to rub himself on her legs.

_Why me, oh, why me?_ "That is _enough!" _ Riza screamed, shooting the gun with the rubber bullet. Ed seemed to snap out of it, standing and grimacing, jumping over the barricade and into his brother. Roy - well, not so much.

"! It's HAWT in here!" He cried, tugging on the edge of his jacket. _Oh, please, Dear whatever fucking God will listen, No._ Roy was now completely half naked from the waist up, and latched onto Riza's lower legs.

"C-c-caught in the ACT!" Breda screamed while pelvic thrusting. "SHUT UP!" Riza screamed, aiming the gun over her shoulder, while trying to relinquish Roy's hold and ignoring Ed and Al's "EW!"s.

"Sir. GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" she scream will fighting the urge to shot her other guns.

"R-riza! What the hells wrong with Mustang!" Yelled Havoc, who didn't seem to really have a clue what was happening, or how close he had been to being killed.

"HAVOC! GET HHIM OFF OF ME NOW!" she skrieked as everyone else backed away. She was scary when she wasn't mad, but even Alphonse was worried for his safety.

"Why, Riza? Everyone knows we are meant to be? Why not let the world know! right NOW! OH yeah it is so on! Imma bang you to Xing and BACK!"

By now Havoc had pried Roy off of Riza's violated legs, and was being pummelled by Ed and Al.

"Good to have you back Havoc." said Riza as she stood, straightened her pants and pulled out her gun.

"Sir... we have somethings to discuss. Outside. Now."

Ed and Al stopped kicking Roy, "Um... Riza? Y-You aren't going to... to _kill_ him? Right?"

"uggh... what-what happened? H-havoc? Your back?"

"WHERE DID I GO?"

"Roy. Outside. Now."

"Oh dear god, people don't let her kiillll mee!"

"Umm, riza?" Roy asked between kisses.

"w-what... roy... some-something...wrong?"

"Why did you drag me to _**The Closet**_?" he asked as she moved so she was on top of him, ripping off what remained of his clothing in the process.

"What the? how did you do that?"

"Shut up! your mine, bitch..."

"R-riza? you-you're ok right?"

"I will once you stop just sitting there."

"So i guess i don't need to worry about no BDSM, huh?"

"Bitch, did i SAY you could talk. I don't think so. Now start banging me to Xing, and it better be good."

"Damn you're dirty when you're crazy, Hawkeye."

Sitting in the 'court room,' Havoc, Ed, Al, Feury, Breda, and Falman wondered where their superiors went. "I bet _I_ know what they're doing," Ed muttered as Al drew transmutation circles in a notebook Ed had produced for him. "God, Ed. You're mind is in deeper in the gutter than the Boss!" Ed shrugged.

Breda laughed. "Ok, ok. Let's bet on this. I'll put in 10000 cens that he's banging her past Xing." Breda took the bank notes out of his pocket, and threw it on the ground.

"Ok, touche, Breda. 10000 cens it's another abstinent make out session," Havoc said, putting his money down

"10000 that Hawkeye's fucking physco and she's on top," Falman chirped, dropping his money in the pot. The whole room turned and stared at Falman. "Where the _fuck_ has the ball-less Falman gone?" Ed asked, repulsed. Falman shrugged. "Seeing which, I actually think it _is_ the most logical answer."

Oncce the awquard moment had passed, the betting continued. "U-uh 5000 that she's killed him and is after us now," Feury squeaked, putting his money down.

"Ed, Al, you got anything?" Ed shook his head. Al didn't notice the adults were talking to him now. Breda rubbed his hands together and said, "Stay here kids. The big boys need to settle something."

"WHO THE FUCK ARE CALLING SO TINY HE CAN'T BE SEEN OR GET SQUISHED WHEN YOU STEP ON HIM BECAUSE HE WOULD FIT BETWEEN THE LINE-THINGYS ON YOUR SHOE!"

The end of ch 5 :D

Elsi: Well that was fun… sorry it took a while to post -.- …stupid school with their projects and exams… But yup, if you have any suggestions feel free to post them :D

Kristen's A/N: Holy... fucking... crack. No, at times it might not make 100% sense, but tha's 'crack,' right? We had fun wth it and that's what counts.

_we'll love you forever if you** review!** ...and forever is a long time ;D_


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